Grief and It’s Unfolding
Grief. It’s more than you think.
I’m coming off of a five day silent Vipassana (an ancient mindfulness meditation technique meaning “to see things as they really are”) retreat. So, please bare with me, as I openly download.
In the next five posts I’ll be sharing the unfolding and the unraveling of my own heart. I’m doing this both for myself and for others to know that healing and shedding, truly does exist - just when we thought we’ve reached our end.
Getting to this retreat was not easy. I don’t mean the drive or the packing. I mean finding it and signing up for it. The retreat I originally signed up for was an online retreat. I thought that was going to be the easiest and most efficient way to “check the box” for my Mindfulness Meditation Training Program with Tara Brock and Jack Kornfield.
Then my father-in-law died 2 days before the online retreat.
I took some time off and then began to search out another online offering. There were none listed. I was graciously extended a deadline until June to have this complete. However, all my avenues had roadblocks (for many different reasons). At 1am, after searching and loads of frustration, I took one final look online and up pops this retreat. I grabbed my spot and figured I’ll iron out everything the next day.
This particular weekend was already full with other plans. But, my business partner in my Yoga teacher training program extended her loving hand once again and bowed to my ever disrupted year, and took the reins while I packed my bags, my car, my expectations and my curiosity for five days in West Virginia.
Let me stop here and say that I have not put myself out there for anything on my own in quit this way for some time. Taking care of others has been my personal motto for years. This felt both glorious and selfish…and that was the exact recipe needed for finding myself again.
I knew not a soul as I walked in to introduces myself. Not a problem for me, this part I’ve mastered in my life. This is all part of learning to walk into new situations, which I’ve done for a good part of my life. Moving 14 times in 30 years will create that in you (more on that later). I was welcomed with the warmest hearts and kindest souls. I felt both at home and like a stranger at the same time time. Wonderment is a word that comes to mind.
I took the fourth and final bed in my shared room, did a little unpacking, then headed to the dining hall for dinner. I needed to bring all my own meals, for allergy reasons, so I felt a bit out of the norm already even as I tried to settle in. There was beautiful dinner conversation around the table with 5 lovely women whom in the days to come, would sit in the sanctuary with me as I wept and shed off layers of my past, my conditioning and the grip I’ve tried to have on my life.
To my surprise, there were about 60 of us in total. All ages, men and women. All with stories, all with the unknown of the next days ahead.
I watched others as we made our way to the sanctuary hall to be welcomed. How people moved, carried themselves. Many mindfully aware of both others and the space they took up in this world. Others a little less aware. Our teacher laid out the logistics, gave a dharma talk, and led a meditation. Then in silence, as we would be for the next four days, we made our way to our rooms for the night. I was exhausted. I slept like a rock.
But that is just the beginning. What transpired over the next several days, became life changing. My faith deepened. My heart opened, I found joy, and more than I ever imagined.
I’ll share day 2 next week. Until then dear one…
May you be well.
May you be safe.
May you be happy.
All my love for you,
Allie XO
