Retreat: Day 3

After the rain.

I woke to a chilly, blue sky morning. The kind of morning that makes you want to get outside as soon as possible. Up and  showered, I made my way to the sanctuary with another morning of wet hair (no hair dryers permitted). I threw on my black hoodie sweatshirt, and took the quiet walk out the door for our first sitting.

The quiet started to feel comforting. Easeful. I was feeling at home.

After breakfast, I took a walk down the long gravel road I drove in on. The sun felt warm on my back and it began to feel like a warm hug. I became annoyed by the sound of the rocks under my feet, each step making a sound. So, I walked just on the edge so my shoes touched the soft grass. I needed more silence. I stood facing the sun, letting all the warmth cover my face. I just wanted to stay. I then realized there was a basketball court right in front of me - in full sun. I walked over, and laid down. Arms wide, like a giant starfish. I laid there. I laid there for 40 minutes. Ease came over me. This place… not just where I was, but this place of silence, brought deep listening. There was something inside me that was transforming. I laid there in a meditative state, watching my breath, sensing who I was and what I was letting go of. It was during this time I became overwhelmed with JOY! I don’t know why. It just washed over me.

Let me pause for a moment and tell you that there is a hiking path on the property. It is well marked with red markers on the trees. I thought about walking into the woods on day 2, but was somewhat nervous. I was alone. There are bears. I was unsure. I only got as far as the first bridge on day 2. There I sat for sometime watching the brook. Listening to the song of the woods. Birds. Water. Wind. But that was as far as I went.

Laying on the asphalt, I heard the sound of the bell, signaling us to start making our way back to the sanctuary for the next silent meditation. I reluctantly got up and started to make my way. I didn’t want to go into the sanctuary. My body felt light. I felt different. I felt young.

As I approached the sanctuary, I slowed down momentarily. Then…

I walked into the woods.

On the trail, I was all alone. It was the most beautiful hike in the woods I’ve ever experienced. My steps were light, everything looked bright and alive. I was afraid of nothing. Mesmerized by how I felt, what I saw. The beauty all around me. The brook followed me the entire way. After about an hour, I came across a second bridge. There, I sat for a long while (I think maybe an hour or so). Alone in the forest, among the trees. The silence. I didn’t want to leave.

I couldn’t get the smile off my face. I had let go enough to feel something again. To feel myself again. I didn’t know really what I was going to do with that, or how long it would last, but there was a shift. A big shift.

I returned in time for lunch. Then, more emotions came up. Another layer rising to the surface of my heart. I realized I had more that needed releasing. I felt tight and overwhelmed regarding other relationships of mine. My meditation brought up feelings that had been overlooked, pushed down, dismissed. Allowing whatever to arrive in the moment without making excuses or being pulled by life’s demands gave me the space to sit with it. With all of it.

My internal dialogue went from, “what’s here?”  - to - “what is clear?”. Over and over and over. Like a new mantra, I repeated these words. “What is clear?”

It is said that thoughts, feelings, emotions we experience settle into the body. Once there, if not processed will sit dormant until they move through you again to be release. In Buddhist tradition these are called samskaras. It’s like leaving an imprint on our hearts. All our choices, interactions with others, thoughts, intent, karma. These build up inside. Mine had built a wall.

These can be hard to release. They hurt going in - they hurt going out. I had to give myself permission to feel all the feelings.

Everything was rising to the surface.

Release was occurring.

It doesn’t all happen at once. Time and returning to my meditation seat, over and over and over, to let it all unravel was my path forward.

Next week, I tell you how my unexpected return to the woods brought my deepest peace.

May you be well. May you be safe. May you be happy.

All my love for you,

Allie XO